Tanyon Sturtze? Stone Cold? Rich Garces?

Note: I did not write this. The following is from a web-site that allows you to fill in the blanks to a set of questions and will create a "Sports Guy" column out of your answers. The answers, however, are all original and of my own work. If you would like to make one, the link to it is... www.chisport.com/sportsguy.html

The Sports Guy Goes to an Auction

So I'm sitting there the other day watching ESPN2 and I see that Tanyon Sturtze had a great game. There is nobody, with the possible exception of Joe Kerrigan, that I dislike more than Tanyon Sturtze. In the pantheon of people that 'Make the Sports Guy Dustin Pedroia,' these two are a 'Dustin Pedroia'.

The phone rings. It's my friend Bish. Pissed! Bish is always willing to discuss our mutual distaste for Tanyon Sturtze. Don't get me wrong--we respect his abilities. But, he's the Jim Belushi of sports. Totally annoying, yet on TV all the time. Bish mentions that it would be nice if Tanyon Sturtze caught a case of AIDS at the beginning of September, paving the way for the Red Sox to the playoffs like Mike Alstott on preperation H.

Bish points out that the chances that Tanyon Sturtze will come down with AIDS in September are minimal, but that if we expanded the possibilities, there would be a greater chance for debilitating success. As usual, Bish is a crazy genius.

Here is what we came up with:
4. Tanyon Sturtze receives a vicious people's elbow from Jonathan Papelbon in front of 40,000 fans jammed into Fenway Park.

(On a side note, has there ever been a greater moment in sports than when when Stone Cold gave the Rock a 'Rock Bottom'? I don't even care if it was fake, that was crazy cool. That rivals when Hillary Swank got owned by a stool for 'Most Inspiration Non-Real Sports Moment 2006.)

3. Tanyon Sturtze is informed by his wife that their child was not fathered by him but rather by either Jose Mesa or Dan Duquette.

2. Tanyon Sturtze hangs scrapbook-style clippings of Dylan McKay and Mr. Miyagi in his locker and is immediately put on the DL.

1. Tanyon Sturtze meets Maven from Tough Enough, falls in love, and leaves team to begin filming 'My Fair Yankee.'

After we finish with the conversation about Tanyon Sturtze we turn ourselves to the real topic of conversation, the upcoming draft of the Linda Cohn is Sexy Memorial Baseball Association, a new fantasy league that Bish and I will be joining this year.

Ordinarily, I'm never an advocate of partnering up to own a fantasy baseball team. That's like getting picked up by Eva Longoria and going back to her place, only to find out that Magic Johnson is already there. If the best you get is to share, sometimes it's not worth it at all, right?

However, this league only had one slot open, so Bish and I agreed to partner up, in the hope that one of us could switch over and manage the next vacancy. After much debate, and eliminating the excellent possibilities of 'Naked Chutes and Ladders with goose-down feather pillows' and 'Rich Garces' Shiny Hookers' as potential team names, we settle on 'The Beef Curtains.'

The thing that's exciting about this league is that it's an auction format league, which is totally different than a draft league. I mean, it seems as though it would be the same as a draft league, but it's not. It's like the difference between NHL 93 and NHL 94-you take out fighting and add one-timers, you've got a whole different game, even if they are both hockey. Any good sports fan knows that undefined but not everyone knows how to do an auction.

Pre-Auction preparation is important. First, it is important to choose a date when the auction will take place. This is easy. Choose the date when the whipped guy does not have to make dinner, and that's your date. Finding the whipped-guy-can-make-it date is crucial for auction success. (speaking of which, what is with all these girlfriends who think that 'fantasy draft' is code for 'I'm going to have my buddies over to watch Styx perform songs by Chris Kaman while I ride a mechanical bull? Though that would be cool.)

Next, and more difficult, is the auction location selection. Many times people will choose to have their auction in a titty bar. This is a bad idea. Nothing good can come of this; at the end of the day every person in the room is going to be dead and have an extremely sore undefined after four hours.

No, the auction must be held in someone's house-biggest furnished basement wins. The coolness of the wife/significant other can be a deciding factor if two people have similar options-say, if owner A has a Pong arcade game, but owner B has a case of Bud Light. Nothing will kill a fun evening faster than the host's wife emasculating him with a "Go play in traffic!"yell. We have selected next Tuesday night, at 8 pm, at a guy's house where his wife will be in women's rights movement, and therefore unable to disrupt the festivities.

I will not be sharing with you my player ratings for this coming season-after all, Doyle Brunson doesn't play poker with the hand face up-but I will give you some insight into my auction strategy. The thing is, an auction has so much more of an influence on your season than a draft does. In an auction, every player in the league is at your disposal. Everyone starts out equal. It's the pro-life of fantasy sports.

It's also like throwing midgets. It requires endurance, it requires stamina, it requires concentration and planning. Without further ado, here is my 'Sports Guy Auction Strategy Guide':

Round One-Get 'em Tiger

Once the auction starts, timing and strategy are much more important than they are in a traditional draft. The first hour or so of the auction has to be spent feeling out your opponents. Are they particularly loyal to the Devil Rays? Do they have a tendency toward talking? You are looking for weaknesses that you can exploit later on. Store these like facial hair.

Here is a good place to test people by chucking out a few names of guys you-d never want on your team-aging, oft-injured players, like Kerry Wood and Mark Prior, or over-hyped rookies that will never pan out like Josh Hamilton.

Everyone is going to get some good players at this point, so make sure you don't overpay and find yourself begging for money like Turtle asking for Vinny Chase's AMEX Black.

Round Two-Have a Sense of Judgement

In round two, there will be one moment that defines your draft. Things will be going along smoothly, and all of a sudden you'll get involved in a bidding war on a player. It's not unlike a big pot in a no-limit hold-em tournament-you'll have your Dr. Klotzenstein-Quailman from 'Doug' moment, and you need to decide what to do.
Oftentimes, this will come down to a single dollar, here or there-if you bid $56349 for Doc Gooden, you know you'll get him, but you're facing a bid with the clock ticking. Are you going to be a hero, carried off the field like David Ortiz? Or are you Denny Green, skulking off the field into the jeering history of your team's fans, with only your family still willing to speak with you. Now is your moment. Set the tone.

Round Three-Moving Day

Hour three of the draft is moving day, like the third day of the Masters. You need to shoot a 71. This is where you'll fill out a lot of the players that, while less rediculously, make up the core of your team. Do not discount the importance of moving day. If you wait until the next phase to build the core of your team, you'll find yourself as lonely as Queen Latifah in a Jewish service.
Moving day is the time to make things happen for your team. This is where you are going to define the season that you have. If you end up moving day by taking an accurate mix of future stars, injury-risk players, and Dustin Pedroia, you'll be okay.

Round Four-The Game of Trivial Pursuit

By the end of the fantasy auction, the endeavor has become long. The only thing it can be compared to is a game of Trivial Pursuit, played among friends. Something that, at the beginning of the endeavor, seemed like such fun, but by the end of it, is just a group of people banging their heads against the wall, adamantly trying to finish what they started, the joy of competing against your friends replaced with a desire to prove that you are the Prince of All Trivia and that is that.

In this phase of the auction, you must be careful. This is the 'Sure, mom, I settle down with a nice girl every night, then I'm free the next morning' moment of the draft. People will be exploding like Middle Eastern buses, screaming incomprehensible things like Bill Cosby and threatening to eat babies if they do not get their way.

Just bite your lip, set your jaw, and try and endure. It's a long season coming forward.

'If you are a racist, I will attack you with the north'

Pac-10 Analysis: Week Nine

It has gotten to the point in this college football season where questions arise in the Pac-10. This season, the Pac-10 has been adding to it's reputation of being an up-and-coming conference in the college football world. However, that reputation means nothing now. Not at this this point in the season. When conference teams duke it out no one knows what will happen. What if this team wins? What if this team loses? College football is unpredictable. There are many situations that can come up and The Crimson Column is here to make its bold predictions for the rest of the Pac-10 football season.

Week Nine:

#25 Washington State at UCLA

This will be a very important game for both teams. However, the inconsistent UCLA led by their backup quarterback won't stop the rolling Cougars.

Prediction: Washington State


Arizona State at Washington

This will be a very good game, and a must win for the Dawgs at home if they want to keep their bowl dreams alive. However, Bonnell did not look good against Cal and the Sun Devils offense looked very good against Stanford. It will be another close loss for the Huskies.

Prediction: Arizona State


Portland State at #23 Oregon

Do I need to analyze this? Oregon will bounce back and beat state rival by a large margin against Portland State.

Prediction: Oregon


#3 USC at Oregon State

USC heads to Reser Stadium after a refreshing bye week. Why was it refreshing? The Trojans were just coming off three straight weeks of winning by a touchdown or less. Oregon State is coming off two convincing road wins against UW and Arizona so expect another close game for USC.

Prediction: USC


If Week Nine happens like this then the Pac-10 standing will look like this:

1.) USC (5-0, 7-0)
2.) California (5-0, 7-1)
3.) Washington State (4-2, 6-3)
4.) Oregon (3-2, 6-2)
5.) Arizona State (2-3, 5-3)
6.) Oregon State (2-3, 4-4)
6.) UCLA (2-3, 4-4)
8.) Washington (2-4, 4-5)
9.) Arizona (1-4, 3-5)
10.) Stanford (0-5, 0-8)

The Pac-10 this year is very tough and it will be interesting to see how the rest of the season will pan out. The conference is loaded with talent, upsets and potential bowl-game teams. Week 10 predictions from the Crimson Column will come tomorrow.

An open letter to Osama Bin Laden

Dear Mr. Bin Laden:

First of all, I know that since I live in the United States you do not like me and I must admit, I don't like you very much either. However, you threatening the one necessary event we have to attend every Sunday is a smart idea on your part. How did you come to realize that Americans love football so much? Why do you hate it so much? Are you a Raiders fan? I must say though, the stadiums that you have chosen to send "dirty bombs" to do not tickle my fancy. Why are you targeting the stadiums in Seattle, New York, Miami, Atlanta, Houston, Oakland and Cleveland and how do you know that all of these stadiums are being used on Saturday?

Why bomb the relatively new stadiums in Seattle and Houston? Why bomb the homes of lost franchises in Cleveland and Miami? Why bomb the peaceful cities of New York and Atlanta? And lastly, why bomb the home of the Oakland Raiders? Is it just a desperate attempt of trying to get some sort of emotion out of Art Shell? If so, it probably will not work.

(Note: Am I the only football fan that believes that Art Shell died years ago and Al Davis just hired a very life-like statue of Shell? This is possibly the best and most realistic option in why Shell shows NO emotion on the sidelines)

Back to giving the attention to you Osama, which is what you really want after all. If you were to go through with these acts of terrorism, which you probably will not, it would be devastating. This would be a terrible blow to our country, our freedom, the NFL and, most importantly, my fantasy football team. Not only would you wipe out 14 football teams and thousands of fans, but you would kill off almost half of my fantasy team!

No longer could I feel the pride of predicting the breakout seasons of Greg Jennings and Reggie Williams. No longer could I be a part of Willie Parker and Tatum Bell launching themselves to league stardom. No longer could I bask in the glory of Anquan Boldin and Matt Hasselbeck. And finally, I would no longer have the excuse I use for my losses in Randy Moss.

So Osama... Here we are. Is bombing these seven stadiums really going to make you feel better? Will it really help you get over the Raiders lost season? Is it worth destroying the emerging fantasy team of an innocent college student? Ponder over these questions. Think before you act Osama. Don't do this. Unless you really do want to squeeze an ounce of emotion out of Art Shell. For that, I would sacrifice my team.

Happy Terrorizing,

The Crimson Column

A good weekend for Cougars football?

Yes, we lost to tenth-ranked Cal. We didn't manage to get into the endzone and Doba still is clueless about what to do inside the redzone. However, this weekend was a still a great weekend for the future of Cougars football.

Huskies Woes

A week after losing to WSU at home, the Beavers of Oregon State defeated the Huskies in Seattle. And they injured Isaiah Stanback. Beautiful. Oregon State also picked apart the Huskies, showing their two weaknesses: pass defense and the ineffectiveness of Stanback's offense when they are under pressure. Beavers receiver Sammie Stroughter caught 7 passes for 223 yards against the Huskies defense and Stanback only threw for 162 yards, rushed for 11 and was sacked three times. This is good news for the Cougars. With a receiving corps of Hill, Bumpus, Gibson and tight end Cody Boyd as well as the best pass rushing defense in the country, the Huskies will be in trouble come Apple Cup time.


Brandon Gibson

I've been loving this kid from day one and he finally broke out at Cal. The sophomore wide receiver caught eight Alex Brink passes for 130 yards. What does this mean? It means that while teams are double coveraging Jason Hill and paying special attention to Michael Bumpus, then Alex Brink will have a reliable target at third receiver. He's also filling the void left by the injury of Chris Jordan. In addition to contributing greatly this year, Gibson is also gaining valuable experience; experience he will need next year when Jason Hill leaves the Cougars offense.

Ben Olson

The first part of the great weekend came with the news about UCLA starting quarterback, Ben Olson. The Cougars will need all the help they can get when they take on the Bruins at the Rose Bowl on October 28th. They got a lot of help when Olson came down with an injury that will likely sideline him for 4-6 weeks. What this means for the Cougars is that the backup Pat Cowan will have to start against against the top pass rushing defense in the nation in one of UCLA's biggest games of the year. The Cougars front seven will put pressure on the inexperienced Cowan forcing him to make mistakes.

With the good news that the Cougars football program gathered this weekend, how will the rest of the season pan out? Well, The Crimson Column is here to predict how the rest of the season will go and what the Cougars will have to do to win.

Oregon Ducks @ Washington State Cougars

What the Cougars have to do:

Contain Jonathan Stewart The defense did a good job stopping the Cal passing game, which is similar to Oregon's. However, Marshawn Lynch ran all over the Cougars. If the defense can defend the pass like they did against Cal and contain Jonathan Stewart, then they have a chance at winning this game.

Prediction: It will be a close one. The Cougars will get some help from the crowd, but I don't think that they will be able to pull it off. 24-21 Ducks win.

Washington State Cougars @ UCLA Bruins

What the Cougars have to do:

Get in the endzone The Cougars have had trouble scoring this season, but will need to get rid of this trouble if they have hopes of a bowl game. This game will prove to be pivotal for the Cougars. As long as they get in the endzone and score early and often, the defense will be able to stop UCLA's struggling defense and backup quarterback.

Prediction: The Cougars will come through with the big victory on the road. 38-24.

Arizona Wildcats @ Washington State Cougars

What the Cougars have to do:

Score early and often As shown against USC, the Arizona defense is a very good bunch. So to get on the board, the Cougars will have to score early and often in front of a sold out Martin Stadium.

Prediction: The Wildcats are still rebuilding under Stoops and are in the bottom half of the Pac-10 this season. Expect the Cougars to win by a good margin. 31-13 WSU.

Washington State Cougars @ Arizona State Sun Devils

What the Cougars have to do:

Contain the ASU offense The Arizona State offense is their obvious strength this season. When the two Rudy's are on top of their game they are tough to beat as shown in their game at USC. If the Cougars can hold the Sun Devils offense, then they have a shot at winning this important game.

Prediction: It will be tough to come out of Sun Devils Stadium with a victory, but the Cougars will have the momentum to do it. 38-31 WSU.

If my predictions turn out to be correct, then the Cougars will be 7-4 heading into the Apple Cup, putting the team in great contention to stop their bowl drought. The Cougars appear to have what it takes. Now only time can tell how effectively this team can live up to expectations.

The difference between life and death

Two days ago, if I were to ask any educated sports fan what they thought of Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle, the answer would be something along the lines of "He's an arrogant asshole." Here's a guy that crossed the picket line in '94, blamed former teammates in Philadelphia for not giving 100% when he was pitching and accused the Yankees of not being prepared enough for the Tigers in the ALDS. Former teammate Arthur Rhodes had this to say about Lidle right after the pitcher was traded:

"He is a scab. When he started, he would go 5 1/3 innings and (the bullpen) would have to win the game for him. The only thing Cory Lidle wants to do is fly around in his airplane and gamble. He doesn't have a work ethic. After every start, he didn't run or lift weights. He would sit in the clubhouse and eat ice cream. ... He shouldn't say that, he shouldn't say anything like that because he is a scab. He crossed the line when guys like me, Flash (Tom Gordon) and (Mike) Lieberthal were playing. He is a replacement player."

Can you blame Rhodes? I'm sure any athlete would be angry if a teammate accused him or her of not giving enough effort so I don't blame Rhodes at all. I'm going to be honest, I wasn't a fan of Cory Lidle. I thought he was a selfish player and a horrible teammate.

Now that Lidle has been found dead in a plane crashed, Rhodes and other Lidle bashers, such as myself, are now on the biggest guilt trips of their lives.

Do I have any regrets about what I said about Lidle in the past? Absolutely not.
We can't assume that these kinds of events to happen. We can't assume that Darryl Kile will have heart complications in his hotel room. We can't assume that a planes carrying Roberto Clemente and Thurman Munson will crash. And we can't assume that Cory Lidle, an avid pilot, would crash his plane into a Manhattan apartment complex.

I feel that Cory Lidle is a loss to the major league community. I wish the Lidle the family the best of luck in recovering from their loss. That is the extent of what I will say. What I won't do is say how great of a person he was now that he is gone. Now, I'm not saying that he was a bad person, but he wasn't a good one either. As stated before, I was one of those people who thought that Lidle was selfish and arrogant. If he was still alive today, the majority of the sports world would feel the same. However, now that he is dead, he was a great teammate and a caring and loving person.

Take some of the most disliked figures in sports and imagine the reaction that his death would bring. Picture this situation. What if Terrell Owens actually did die from his accidental overdose? Sure the NFL would miss a receiver and a player like Owens, that's a given. But would we see former teammates such as Jeff Garcia, Donovan McNabb, Andy Reid or Bill Parcells praising the person that was Terrell Owens? Would we be saying how great of a person and teammate he was? The answer is yes. Maybe not those specific people, but Owens would be talked about. Former teammates would talk about how great of a person and teammate he was. Would they say all of this stuff now? Hell no.

Terrell Owens and Cory Lidle had a lot in common but the one thing that stands out is the fact that they both insulted their current and former teammates. Both players are the epidome of a bad teammate in their respective sports. Does Terrell Owens get heat for it? Yes. Did Cory Lidle get heat for it? Yes. Will Cory Lidle ever be accused of being a bad teammate or person again? No.

And that, my friends, is the difference between life and death in sports.

Making the Grade: Cougars first half

Well, with the sloppy victory over the Beavers, the Cougars are at the halfway point in the season. Was I impressed with the team or were they not up to par? A little bit of both, but this team has the potential for a possible bowl birth. Fox Sports has the Cougars facing off against the Stormin' Mormons of BYU in the Las Vegas Bowl. Is this a possibility? The Las Vegas Bowl pits the #4 Pac-10 team against the Mountain West champion, meaning the Cougars would have to beat UCLA and Arizona State on the road and the "revamped" (I'm still not buying the hype) Washington Huskies at home. Anything is possible, but the road to the Las Vegas Bowl will be as bumpy as JJ Redick's back. To sum up the first half of the season, the Cougars are right where they were supposed to be. 4-2. Despite having to play against two of the best teams in the nation, the first half was the easy part. The second half is what separates the contenders from the pretenders.

The Good:

Alex Brink

After a shaky start, the redshirt junior Brink has poured it on. He played amidst chants for Gary Rogers and had to move on from a horrible individual performance at Auburn. He has done both. (I would like to say that he never hopped onto the "Gary Rogers should start" bandwagon) Since Auburn, Brink has thrown for 1,267 yards, eight touchdowns, led a comeback drive against Baylor and posted great games against two of the best defenses in the Pac-10 (USC and Oregon State). It is obvious that Brink has matured into a more athletic, cerebral and effecient quarterback than the one we saw last year.

The Cougar Defense

I'd like to say that I was as sure of the defense at the beginning of the season as I am now, but that would be a lie. I knew that we would be able to get a fair share of sacks. What I did not know is that Coach Akey has turned this defense into one of the best in the Pac and the best pass rushing unit in the nation. After the six sack performance the Cougs put up against Oregon State, the team leads the nation in sacks with 27 and Mkristo Bruce is at the top of the individual list with 10. An early injury to defensive end Matt Mullennix left a hole that was quickly filled by pass rush specialists Lance Broadus and Mike Graise.

The Running Game

This was a question mark heading into the season. How could the Cougs replace an All-American like Jerome Harrison? Easy. Use three running backs. Sharing carries this season has been the three D's: DeMaundray Woolridge, Derrell Hutsona and Dwight Tardy. Woolridge went down with an injury and while he was recovering, Hutsona and Tardy have been impressive. Look for the trio to continue sharing carries and anchoring the running game.

The Bad:

The Usage of Jason Hill

Jason Hill was supposed to be Brink's biggest target. He was a potential All-American. Not at this pace. The senior wide receiver has only 28 catches and 400 yards for an average of 66.7 yards per game. What Hill does do is force double teams, opening up Brink's other options such as Michael Bumpus and Brandon Gibson. Bumpus leads the team with 40 catches. However, Hill is Brink's first option in the red zone; the two have connected for five touchdowns. In order for the offense to improve in the second half, Hill will need more looks.

Injuries

The injury bug has affected a handful of Cougs in the first half. In the process however, the team proved to be very deep at nearly every position. These backups have came in and have performed beyond expectations on offensive line, defensive line and in the secondary. Possibly the injury with the most "benefit" would be the loss of Chris Jordan. Brink will miss this veteran target, but sophomore Brandon Gibson is getting some important experience before he will be a go-to-guy once Jason Hill leaves.

Using Darryl Blunt

This is nothing against Blunt. I think he's one of the best punters in the Pac-10 and his Blunt Punts amaze the hell out of me. But we saw what he did on that botched punt play against Oregon State. The guy carries the ball like a running back. Doba loves to be tricky on offense with flea flickers and HB passes, why not use Blunt's athleticism on designed fake punts? Just a thought...

The Ugly:

Loren Langley

The junior "kicker" has missed an extra point and has gone 6 for 9 in field goals. His season long is 39. When can we expect to see Romeen Abdollmohammadi? Last season, the Cougars lost to UCLA, Oregon and Arizona State by three. Every point matters. So everytime we have to punt from the 35 or 40, we are potentially losing a game. Abdollmohammadi has the leg we need to make those big kicks. So why not put him in the game against Idaho, Baylor or Stanford so he gets game experience, which was the only thing that Langley had an advantage in? When is this confidence is Langley going to run dry?

Red Zone Offense

Why does Doba insist on passing on first and goal situations? Second and goal situations? Third and goal situations? When we have a 240-pound north-south back like DeMaundray Woolridge, who has no touchdowns in five games this season, why not run right up the gut three times? It's a much safer bet than passing in such situations. It's too risky, especially with an inconsistent kicker such as Langley. Even without such a back, the obvious answer is still to run right up the gut. Why else did I pick Clinton Portis ahead of Torry Holt in my fantasy draft? Because running backs are who you turn to in scoring situations. NOT receivers.