Note: I did not write this. The following is from a web-site that allows you to fill in the blanks to a set of questions and will create a "Sports Guy" column out of your answers. The answers, however, are all original and of my own work. If you would like to make one, the link to it is... www.chisport.com/sportsguy.html
The Sports Guy Goes to an Auction
So I'm sitting there the other day watching ESPN2 and I see that Tanyon Sturtze had a great game. There is nobody, with the possible exception of Joe Kerrigan, that I dislike more than Tanyon Sturtze. In the pantheon of people that 'Make the Sports Guy Dustin Pedroia,' these two are a 'Dustin Pedroia'.
The phone rings. It's my friend Bish. Pissed! Bish is always willing to discuss our mutual distaste for Tanyon Sturtze. Don't get me wrong--we respect his abilities. But, he's the Jim Belushi of sports. Totally annoying, yet on TV all the time. Bish mentions that it would be nice if Tanyon Sturtze caught a case of AIDS at the beginning of September, paving the way for the Red Sox to the playoffs like Mike Alstott on preperation H.
Bish points out that the chances that Tanyon Sturtze will come down with AIDS in September are minimal, but that if we expanded the possibilities, there would be a greater chance for debilitating success. As usual, Bish is a crazy genius.
Here is what we came up with:
4. Tanyon Sturtze receives a vicious people's elbow from Jonathan Papelbon in front of 40,000 fans jammed into Fenway Park.
(On a side note, has there ever been a greater moment in sports than when when Stone Cold gave the Rock a 'Rock Bottom'? I don't even care if it was fake, that was crazy cool. That rivals when Hillary Swank got owned by a stool for 'Most Inspiration Non-Real Sports Moment 2006.)
3. Tanyon Sturtze is informed by his wife that their child was not fathered by him but rather by either Jose Mesa or Dan Duquette.
2. Tanyon Sturtze hangs scrapbook-style clippings of Dylan McKay and Mr. Miyagi in his locker and is immediately put on the DL.
1. Tanyon Sturtze meets Maven from Tough Enough, falls in love, and leaves team to begin filming 'My Fair Yankee.'
After we finish with the conversation about Tanyon Sturtze we turn ourselves to the real topic of conversation, the upcoming draft of the Linda Cohn is Sexy Memorial Baseball Association, a new fantasy league that Bish and I will be joining this year.
Ordinarily, I'm never an advocate of partnering up to own a fantasy baseball team. That's like getting picked up by Eva Longoria and going back to her place, only to find out that Magic Johnson is already there. If the best you get is to share, sometimes it's not worth it at all, right?
However, this league only had one slot open, so Bish and I agreed to partner up, in the hope that one of us could switch over and manage the next vacancy. After much debate, and eliminating the excellent possibilities of 'Naked Chutes and Ladders with goose-down feather pillows' and 'Rich Garces' Shiny Hookers' as potential team names, we settle on 'The Beef Curtains.'
The thing that's exciting about this league is that it's an auction format league, which is totally different than a draft league. I mean, it seems as though it would be the same as a draft league, but it's not. It's like the difference between NHL 93 and NHL 94-you take out fighting and add one-timers, you've got a whole different game, even if they are both hockey. Any good sports fan knows that undefined but not everyone knows how to do an auction.
Pre-Auction preparation is important. First, it is important to choose a date when the auction will take place. This is easy. Choose the date when the whipped guy does not have to make dinner, and that's your date. Finding the whipped-guy-can-make-it date is crucial for auction success. (speaking of which, what is with all these girlfriends who think that 'fantasy draft' is code for 'I'm going to have my buddies over to watch Styx perform songs by Chris Kaman while I ride a mechanical bull? Though that would be cool.)
Next, and more difficult, is the auction location selection. Many times people will choose to have their auction in a titty bar. This is a bad idea. Nothing good can come of this; at the end of the day every person in the room is going to be dead and have an extremely sore undefined after four hours.
No, the auction must be held in someone's house-biggest furnished basement wins. The coolness of the wife/significant other can be a deciding factor if two people have similar options-say, if owner A has a Pong arcade game, but owner B has a case of Bud Light. Nothing will kill a fun evening faster than the host's wife emasculating him with a "Go play in traffic!"yell. We have selected next Tuesday night, at 8 pm, at a guy's house where his wife will be in women's rights movement, and therefore unable to disrupt the festivities.
I will not be sharing with you my player ratings for this coming season-after all, Doyle Brunson doesn't play poker with the hand face up-but I will give you some insight into my auction strategy. The thing is, an auction has so much more of an influence on your season than a draft does. In an auction, every player in the league is at your disposal. Everyone starts out equal. It's the pro-life of fantasy sports.
It's also like throwing midgets. It requires endurance, it requires stamina, it requires concentration and planning. Without further ado, here is my 'Sports Guy Auction Strategy Guide':
Round One-Get 'em TigerOnce the auction starts, timing and strategy are much more important than they are in a traditional draft. The first hour or so of the auction has to be spent feeling out your opponents. Are they particularly loyal to the Devil Rays? Do they have a tendency toward talking? You are looking for weaknesses that you can exploit later on. Store these like facial hair.
Here is a good place to test people by chucking out a few names of guys you-d never want on your team-aging, oft-injured players, like Kerry Wood and Mark Prior, or over-hyped rookies that will never pan out like Josh Hamilton.
Everyone is going to get some good players at this point, so make sure you don't overpay and find yourself begging for money like Turtle asking for Vinny Chase's AMEX Black.
Round Two-Have a Sense of JudgementIn round two, there will be one moment that defines your draft. Things will be going along smoothly, and all of a sudden you'll get involved in a bidding war on a player. It's not unlike a big pot in a no-limit hold-em tournament-you'll have your Dr. Klotzenstein-Quailman from 'Doug' moment, and you need to decide what to do.
Oftentimes, this will come down to a single dollar, here or there-if you bid $56349 for Doc Gooden, you know you'll get him, but you're facing a bid with the clock ticking. Are you going to be a hero, carried off the field like David Ortiz? Or are you Denny Green, skulking off the field into the jeering history of your team's fans, with only your family still willing to speak with you. Now is your moment. Set the tone.
Round Three-Moving DayHour three of the draft is moving day, like the third day of the Masters. You need to shoot a 71. This is where you'll fill out a lot of the players that, while less rediculously, make up the core of your team. Do not discount the importance of moving day. If you wait until the next phase to build the core of your team, you'll find yourself as lonely as Queen Latifah in a Jewish service.
Moving day is the time to make things happen for your team. This is where you are going to define the season that you have. If you end up moving day by taking an accurate mix of future stars, injury-risk players, and Dustin Pedroia, you'll be okay.
Round Four-The Game of Trivial Pursuit
By the end of the fantasy auction, the endeavor has become long. The only thing it can be compared to is a game of Trivial Pursuit, played among friends. Something that, at the beginning of the endeavor, seemed like such fun, but by the end of it, is just a group of people banging their heads against the wall, adamantly trying to finish what they started, the joy of competing against your friends replaced with a desire to prove that you are the Prince of All Trivia and that is that.
In this phase of the auction, you must be careful. This is the 'Sure, mom, I settle down with a nice girl every night, then I'm free the next morning' moment of the draft. People will be exploding like Middle Eastern buses, screaming incomprehensible things like Bill Cosby and threatening to eat babies if they do not get their way.
Just bite your lip, set your jaw, and try and endure. It's a long season coming forward.
'If you are a racist, I will attack you with the north'
