Hungover from the season? The Payoff Pitch can help!

Note: This column was published in the Nov. 30 edition of the Daily Evergreen.

The WSU football team is not going to a bowl game.

If I said this after our win against UCLA, WSU fans would question my sanity. But after three straight losses, the Cougars finished with a 6-6 record and are now completely out of the bowl game picture.

Now I’m not here to point fingers. I’m here to help you. Help you get over another season without a winning record. Help you get over another season not ending with a bowl game. Help you get over one of the biggest collapses in Cougars football history.

So now that the season is over, you may be trying to find ways to get over such a devastating turn of events that our beloved Cougars football suffered.

Well, The Payoff Pitch is here to help you cope with the expected hangover resulting from the muddled 2006 season. Think of it as a guide from one disgruntled Cougars fan to another.

“The WSU Sports Fan’s Guide to… Getting Over Another Mediocre Season.”

Option #1: Cry

Pretty self-explanatory here.

Option #2: Play NCAA Football 2007

If crying doesn’t work, do what any college student would do to escape their problems: play video games. Replay the entire 2006 season for the Cougars in NCAA Football 2007. Adjust the settings and play at whatever difficulty you wish, but I would highly recommend turning injuries off and playing at the “Junior Varsity” level. The most beneficial feature about playing the season over in a video game is that you control the team the way you wanted it to be all season long! You can throw to Jason Hill 50% of the time and start Gary Rogers (until you get mad and put Alex Brink back in). You can call fair catches with Michael Bumpus and eliminate the screen pass out of the playbook. You can even bench Loren Langley in week one! Everything you wanted to happen this season is possible. So, go out there, play the season over and win that Fiesta Bowl. We have high expectations for you.

Option #3: Create a Facebook group

Ranking high on the “Awesomeness Scale” and possibly the most mature way to vent your anger is to create a Facebook group. With a Facebook group, you can argue any point you want and make up every excuse for the season. You can even offer unreasonable and absurd suggestions for the team. Whatever your cyber desires entail, please remember to use correct grammar. Groups such as “IF YOUR A HUSKIE THEN YOU CAN’T PLAY FOOTBALL GOOD” are just embarrassing and if you can’t figure out what’s wrong with that title, then please just skip Option #3.

Option #4: Root on Pac-10 teams in bowl games

Show your Pac-10 spirit by rooting on our conference representatives in their bowl games. If the Pac-10 teams find success in their games, then it will give the Cougars something to brag about. It also opens up the opportunity for WSU fans to use this line: “We don’t need a bowl game, we beat the Sun Bowl champions in the regular season.” That’s at least one thing that WSU fans can say that UW fans can’t.

Option #5: Watch the basketball team

When you get sick of the trash talk directed at the WSU football team, you can counter with: “Well our men’s basketball team is undefeated!” Wait, what? The men’s basketball team is undefeated? The Cougars are off to their best start since the 1993-94 season with a 6-0 record so far. Enjoy it while it lasts. The team begins a rigorous Pac-10 schedule at UCLA on Dec. 28.

Option #6: Vote for Butch

He’s in the quarterfinals at capitalonebowl.com. Hey, we might actually win something this season!

If all these fail, then, for lack of an original phrase, I guess there's always next season.